Just weeks ago I was posting about how BF occupies his time and is consumed by his activities. Now I am doing the same. I am trying to mask the pain. I am busy. Every day. New people. New activities. Stuff. I try to schedule at least something in every spare moment. Morning, noon, and night. I can’t be alone with my thoughts…I think of what I did wrong. What he did wrong. And mostly I think of what we had right…99% of it was right. It’s just that 1% that prevailed, that became too much. I cover the pain with stuff. If I keep constantly on the move, I won’t have time to feel anything. To feel the absence. The anger. The sadness. Now I am the one who has been hurt. I am the one who suffers. I am the one who is trying to stay occupied to keep from realizing the pain. I think of what my life is supposed to be like, what it was like just one month ago…I had someone to hug in the morning before work, before bed. Someone to share with. Someone who loved me. We had a future. I had a home. How long will I be (pre)occupied? Will it ever go away? It is an unfortunate cycle of pain. And I hate it.
Thu 6 Aug 2009
Expectations
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Uncategorized
[2] Comments
An expectation is a premeditated resentment.
I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving.
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Mon 3 Aug 2009
Detachment
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Uncategorized
No Comments
I am learning to allow myself to not suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
Wed 29 Jul 2009
How do I go on?
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Uncategorized
[6] Comments
He left me.
Thu 23 Jul 2009
In the kitch
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Food Fun
[3] Comments
I really appreciate all the comments I received from my last post. THANK YOU! I am so grateful for the support and understanding and certainly for the advice.
Per numbers 5 and 8 from my list, I have taken the time to pick up some local veggies and fruit from the farmer’s market. I spent a lot of time on Sunday preparing foods for the week. I love always having something relatively healthy ready to go in the fridge both at home and at work.
All for under $19, I bought: basil, green beans, chives, shallots, tomatoes, squash, garlic, corn, blueberries, and peaches.
Some of my feast for the week included:
bowtie pasta salad with garlic, basil, tomatoes, and olive oil
basil pesto pasta salad with tomatoes
corn salad with avocado, tomatoes, juice from lemon and lime, and olive oil
corn off the cob with a tiny bit of Earth Balance, salt and pepper
mashed potatoes with Earth Balance, sour cream, soy milk, and chives
peach cobbler
spinach and greens salad with shallot, blueberries, dried cranberries, walnuts, and
a red wine vinaigrette
I am going to include the squash in a veggie lasagna and steam the green beans. Voila!
Fri 17 Jul 2009
So tired…tired of waiting
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Uncategorized
[9] Comments
How do you know if it’s just for now or if it’s forever?
I wait for him. To get home from work. To get home from drinks after work. To get home from band practice. To get home from drinks after band practice. To get home from shows with the band. To get home from his weekends away. I wait.
It seems like he is away more than he is home. He keeps himself so busy and occupied. He keeps himself and his mind occupied.
I know this is not the life he imagined. The life he hoped for. He was married almost ten years ago. They lived in a house in the suburbs with a dog. They learned what pain really is. They have three children in heaven. They parted ways. He met me shortly after.
In 2009 he is supposed to be mowing and watering his lawn. He is supposed to be putting up a swing set in the backyard for his four-year-old daughter. He is supposed to be celebrating his ten year anniversary. He is supposed to be a dad.
When left alone in the quiet condo he thinks of what he is supposed to have and only sees what he does not have. A wife. Children. A garage. A yard. A home. A family.
He has me and the dog in a one floor condo with no yard for the dog and no garage for his tools. There are no children. There is a baby crib still in the box underneath our guest bed. The baby crib that he bought for his little girl. It’s still in the box. Four years later.
Is he keeping so busy to avoid mourning the past and what he has lost? How long will he avoid? When will he slow down and realize what he has now? With me. His second chance.
I want him home with me. I want to feel that security that his wife felt. I want forever. I want children. I want a yard. When will it be my turn?
How long will I be waiting for him to come home? How much longer does he need to keep himself so (pre)occupied? For now? Or forever?
Tue 14 Jul 2009
‘Uterus Didelphys Help’ website
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Didelphic
[2] Comments
I came across this website yesterday. It was created by an eighteen-year-old woman from the UK named Phoebe. She recently learned of her uterus didelphys. She has two uteri, two cervices, and two vaginas. Phoebe created the site as a type of forum or sounding board for others with UD to communicate and share their stories.
Mon 13 Jul 2009
To Do’s not To Wait and Do’s
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Hangin' Tough
[3] Comments
“My life is a mess.”
“I know. Me too.”
“You feel like that too?”
“Yes. We just need to slow down and fix things, one at a time.”
This was our conversation last night around 10:30pm upon returning home from another weekend away, carrying up several loads of stuff from the car. The car is falling apart…suspension, a/c, tires, radio, and driver’s side door handle and driver’s side window. Carrying the arthritic dog up the flight of stairs. The condo’s front door handle falls off again. Another brown recluse is spotted, in the bathroom this time. We are up late spraying the baseboards in the bedroom in order to feel safe enough to sleep that night. Our bags remained packed and untouched. Exhausted. We blinked our eyes and it was Monday morning.
I need to slow down and focus on the following:
1. fix front door knob
2. attempt to rid condo of deadly poisonous spiders by spraying, fogging, or calling a professional
3. list random superfluous stuff (two lawnmowers, third bed, second blender, Joe McIntyre doll, punching bag, etc.) on craigs list or ebay Dave Ramsey style
4. make better attempt at selling/marketing boat
5. take time to slowly cook healthy meals
6. take more time to work out - run, bike, weights
7. prepare mountain bike for riding - simple tune up
8. actually go to a farmer’s market
9. wash pile of towels and sheets before it reaches the ceiling
10. slow down
11. continue to search for another job
12. buy more Glucosamine for the dog
13. BF fixes car one repair at a time, and pays tags by the end of the month
Tue 7 Jul 2009
I slept in a horse trailer and it was quite comfortable…
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Travel
[5] Comments
Only once during my Fourth of July trip did I wish I had brought my laptop to catch up with my bloggidy friends. Although I’m not certain my Sprint broadband card would allow for internet access in such remote location as the farm I was at. This was around midnight when all other party guests had gone home to bed and only musicians and significant others remained. As I am not a musician, nor do I try to be in any manner other than occasionally singing along with the crowd, I sat in my camping chair feet propped up on second camping chair staring into space and wishing for my laptop. Luckily this period only lasted an hour or so…
Prior to this was a pot luck dinner with approximately eight different potato salads…pretty sure these folks grow their own potatoes. There were lots of veggie and fruit options. The hosts asked their son what vegetarians eat and he replied, “Vegetables?” I devoured a plate full of yummy homemade salads…all types in addition to more dessert than I should have.
After meeting and visiting with many of the locals, the band set up and the party goers pulled their chairs over for ample seating to hear the tunes that we had all been looking forward to! As I have had the pleasure of hearing the band play several dozen, make that hundred, times before…after just a few songs, I was up and strolling the property snapping photos of the gorgeous land. Earlier in the week I pulled my Canon Rebel SLR out of storage, dusted it off, replaced the battery, purchased new film and was ready and stoked to capture some quality photos that required focusing, shutter speed, aperture, etc. Unfortunately, I had some technical difficulties with the film and used my trusty digital point and shoot instead. Yes, I have a Bachelors degree in Film Studies and I could not successfully load the film into my camera. How embarrassing.
The neighboring landowners hang on to their empty beer cans all year long. Come early July, they trade the empties in for cash.
They must drink a lot of beer, because the proceeds go towards this:
And it was a spectacle! Really. With three guys down by the pond, firing the explosions from three different set ups, one right after the other, it was amazing! The best part was hearing the guests shout out after a particularly impressive firework, “That must have been the Michelob Ultra!” “Ooohhh, that one was Natural Light for sure!”
Then back to the host’s home down the road. Bonfire plus graham crackers, chocolate bars, and marshmallows = happy ladies! Love S’mores!
We really did sleep in the back of a horse trailer. It was hosed out, and furnished with an inflatable queen sized mattress. With two sleeping bags, two pillows, and a blanket for the dog to sleep on…we actually were quite comfortable. The trailer was just wide enough to fit the mattress with room for the dog to sleep at our heads. The back door left hanging open, allowed for a slight breeze as well as an early morning wake up call from several friendly bird species.
Wed 1 Jul 2009
Show and Tell: Is it a lip balm, lipstick, or lip gloss?
Posted by cowboyboot lady under Show and Tell
[11] Comments
I think it’s all three! It’s a lip shimmer made by Burt’s Bees and it is the best lip product ever! Within four days time, I had purchased four colors of the lip shimmer: papaya, peony, champagne, and merlot. I believe my current favorite is merlot. Each tube is around $5. I found mine at Target, Walgreens, and Borders (near the checkout).
Not only is it made from natural ingredients, but it provides that tingly soothing feeling that I love…maybe that’s the peppermint oil. Other natural ingredients are sunflower seed oil, cocoa seed butter, and rosemary leaf oil. Love this stuff! It has transformed me into a lipstick wearer…only took 31 years!
Go to Mel’s here to see what the others brought to Show and Tell!
