I was attached; hopelessly and agonizingly entangled with him and his behaviors and his life, his life outside of me.  I was excessively worried about and preoccupied with him and his behaviors…emotionally dependent on him.  I focused all my energy on him and his/our problems that I had nothing left for living my own life.  

Worrying is wasted energy - it does not help him or me or solve any problem.  By becoming so attached to him, I became detached from myself - I lost control.  My obsession with him and our relationship controlled me.  I felt so much anxiety in worrying that I physically became sick. Anxiety paralyzed me.  Constantly worrying about and reacting to him.  I held on so tightly to him that I was afraid to loosen the rope.  He felt the rope getting tighter and tighter; he willingly cut it before it broke apart.  

I need to disengage myself from unhealthy entanglements with another person’s life and responsibilities, and from problems that I cannot solve.  I am responsible for myself; I cannot solve problems that aren’t mine and worrying does not help.  Everyone is responsible for themselves alone and we cannot solve problems that aren’t ours to solve.  Allow people to be who they are - to have the freedom to be responsible and grow.  Focus on what is good in my life and feel grateful for that.  Live in the here and now.  Allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.  Make the most of each day with no fears about the future.  Accept reality - learn to enjoy life in spite of any unsolved problems.  

Detach in love or detach in anger.  Don’t react to other people’s feelings, behaviors, problems, and thoughts and to what people might be doing, thinking, or feeling.  Do not react with fear and anxiety.  Don’t take things so seriously - lighten up.  Give myself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are - to be human.  Give life a chance to happen.  Give myself an opportunity to enjoy it.  

Each person is responsible for his or her own behavior.  Even if the most important person in my world rejects me, I am still real, I am still okay.  Don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of me.  Don’t take things so personally.  When people do what they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love me, they are saying they don’t love themselves.  If someone doesn’t want to be with me or act healthy, it is not a reflection of my own self-worth.  It reflects on their present circumstances.  

Instead of reacting, I will not lose my peace and serenity, I will not waste my moments.  I am not responsible for making other people “see the light” and I do not need to “get them straight”.  I am only responsible for helping myself see the light and for setting myself straight.  Clutching tightly to a person or forcing my will on someone, blocks other people’s ability to grow, stops events from happening naturally, and it prevents me from enjoying people or events.  We cannot change people; they will change only when they are ready to change.  People will either resist our efforts or double their efforts to prove we can’t control them.  People will punish us for making them do something they don’t want to do; or be something they do not want to be.  The only person I can ever change, and it is my business to control is myself.  

On giving, loving, caring and helping - It’s good to give some away, but I don’t have to give it all away.  It’s okay to keep some for myself.  

I shouldn’t do things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing for themselves.  Learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are essential parts of a healthy living and healthy relationships.

Needing people too much can cause problems.  Other people become the key to our happiness.  I need to learn to meet my healthy, natural need for people and love, yet not become overly or harmfully dependent on them.  Too much dependency on a person can kill love.  Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need , rather than on love, can become self-destructive.  They don’t work.  Too much need drives people away and smoothers love.  

Stop looking for happiness in other people.  My source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it’s inside myself.   

Self care is learning to live my life responsibly; allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with my decisions to live as I choose.  Self care - giving ourselves what we need.  What do I need to do to take care of myself?  Doing what’s necessary to live responsibly, not excessively responsible or an irresponsible existence.

Forgive myself when I make mistakes and congratulate myself when I do well.  Get comfortable doing some things poorly and some things with mediocrity.  Learn to laugh at myself and my humanity, but don’t laugh when I need to cry.  Take myself seriously, but not too seriously.  

I do not make plans.  I set goals.  Goals without limits.  Things happen when the time is right, when I am ready and when the world is ready.  Be patient.  

Say what I mean and mean what I say.  Express my feelings and listen to others’, but do not fix.  My opinions can be different from others’ opinions.  I can be wrong.  

If something doesn’t make sense; it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t waste time and energy trying to make sense of it.  

Love is the greatest risk a person can take.  Learn to love without losing myself or giving up on boundaries.  Learning to love, and at the same time, living my own life - learning to love others without forfeiting love for myself.  

Make good decisions each day about what I need to do to take care of myself.  Find people I enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving me and challenge me to grow.   

I can live again.  I can love again.  And I can even have fun at the same time!  When Prince Charming does come along, I will not be down at the pond kissing frogs, I will be ready for him! 

Thanks to Melody Beattie for everything that I have learned in this post.  Thank you, Melody, for helping me to find my self.