How do you know if it’s just for now or if it’s forever?

I wait for him. To get home from work. To get home from drinks after work. To get home from band practice. To get home from drinks after band practice. To get home from shows with the band. To get home from his weekends away. I wait.

It seems like he is away more than he is home. He keeps himself so busy and occupied. He keeps himself and his mind occupied.

I know this is not the life he imagined. The life he hoped for. He was married almost ten years ago. They lived in a house in the suburbs with a dog. They learned what pain really is. They have three children in heaven. They parted ways. He met me shortly after.

In 2009 he is supposed to be mowing and watering his lawn. He is supposed to be putting up a swing set in the backyard for his four-year-old daughter. He is supposed to be celebrating his ten year anniversary. He is supposed to be a dad.

When left alone in the quiet condo he thinks of what he is supposed to have and only sees what he does not have. A wife. Children. A garage. A yard. A home. A family.

He has me and the dog in a one floor condo with no yard for the dog and no garage for his tools. There are no children. There is a baby crib still in the box underneath our guest bed. The baby crib that he bought for his little girl. It’s still in the box. Four years later.

Is he keeping so busy to avoid mourning the past and what he has lost? How long will he avoid? When will he slow down and realize what he has now? With me. His second chance.

I want him home with me. I want to feel that security that his wife felt. I want forever. I want children. I want a yard. When will it be my turn?

How long will I be waiting for him to come home? How much longer does he need to keep himself so (pre)occupied? For now? Or forever?