cowboy boot roller skates

Why does it hurt so much?  So freakin’ much?  Still?

I wake up in the morning.  Alone.  Alone.  I miss him so flippin’ much I can’t believe it.

I have feelings.  I love.  I feel pain.  I feel love.  I feel.

I’m not sure that he does.  If he missed me as much as I’m missing him, he would call.  He would text.  He would email.  He would want me next to him.

But he doesn’t.

He wants to be alone.  He chooses to be alone.  To remove me from his life.

It hurts.  It still hurts.  So freakin’ much.

How big does his king-sized bed feel now?  How empty is his kitchen on Sunday mornings?  No homemade pancakes, no breakfasts at the table, no coffee together.  How empty is his life now?  I don’t know…

He doesn’t feel like I do.  I am pretty sure he forgot how to feel.  Emotion.  Love.  Happiness.  Sadness.  Longing.

I feel.  Damn it.  I fucking feel.

I am closing the cover on this book.

I am beginning a new chapter. A new blog.

I would love for you to join me.  Please email me for the address!

cowboybootlady@gmail.com

I am trying to figure out what that is.

Ask me in six months.

I saw a view from the other side. From a kayak. On the lake. Instead of standing on shore with the dog, as I had done in times past, I was looking at them. The men, the women, the couples, the children, the playful dogs.  A viewpoint I had never seen before. An omniscient view from afar.

They seemed trapped. Confined. To that tiny strip of shore…just 100 meters of freedom. Where their dogs can fetch a tennis ball then obediently return to shore. They have their fun, their freedom for fifteen to twenty mintues, then they hike back up the narrow path to their brand new SUVs. They continue onward to their suburban oversized homes, stopping along the way to stockpile toilet paper and baby’s diapers. They work overtime to pay their monthly mortgages, car payments, credit cards, student loans.

I sit in the middle of the lake, paddle in my hands. I am free. I can go wherever this kayak takes me. I can go wherever I take me. The whole lake…the whole world at my fingertips. Laid back, feet up, paddle in hand, ready to take it on. The lake. The world.  Whichever direction I choose.