cowboy boot roller skates

Just weeks ago I was posting about how BF occupies his time and is consumed by his activities. Now I am doing the same. I am trying to mask the pain. I am busy. Every day. New people. New activities. Stuff. I try to schedule at least something in every spare moment. Morning, noon, and night. I can’t be alone with my thoughts…I think of what I did wrong. What he did wrong. And mostly I think of what we had right…99% of it was right. It’s just that 1% that prevailed, that became too much. I cover the pain with stuff. If I keep constantly on the move, I won’t have time to feel anything. To feel the absence. The anger. The sadness. Now I am the one who has been hurt. I am the one who suffers. I am the one who is trying to stay occupied to keep from realizing the pain. I think of what my life is supposed to be like, what it was like just one month ago…I had someone to hug in the morning before work, before bed. Someone to share with. Someone who loved me. We had a future. I had a home. How long will I be (pre)occupied? Will it ever go away? It is an unfortunate cycle of pain. And I hate it.

An expectation is a premeditated resentment.

I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.

Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.

I am learning to allow myself to not suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.